Dining Etiquette–From the Food Service Trenches

I have waited tables on and off for the past ten years. What started as a fun summer job has evolved into a serious compensatory income. Despite what many people assume of their food server workers, I have had a great education and possess a decent work ethic. I do not often over indulge in alcohol or drugs, and I read the New York Times Daily.

I do not wish to write about myself, however. I wish to write about you, the diner.

Through the years I’ve noted that there exists a definitive line between people who know how to dine out at restaurants and people who do not. And while you may enjoy the thrill of superiority bossing others, being rude, or conspicuous control, there are many benefits to learning the art of restaurant dining.

Most restauranteurs encourage their staff to treat the loyal, kind, and generous well. Almost every person I have worked for has encouraged me to occasionally buy the deserving an appetizer, desert, or drink. My current employer (whom I respect much as a business man) instructs us to reward the positive just as much as we compensate for mistakes (i.e. giving a free desert because the meal took an hour to come to the table).

Here you can read Tom Robbins' amusing little ode to the "Genius Waitress."

The better you are as a diner, the more pleasant your dining experience will be–with or without complementary snacks.

Dining etiquette is not complicated. In fact, all you need is a little intuition and some minor mathematical skills. Below is a list of ten things that will help you (the proverbial you, of course) to become a gastronomically charming diner.

1. If there is a waiting list, smile and be glad.

A wait at a restaurant means the food is worth waiting for. I cannot tell you how many diners I’ve contended with over the years who snarl and steam when confronted with a twenty to thirty minute pause between their arrival and seating time.

As a hostess or server, their complaints can be frustrating because:

a) The wait cannot be helped–as professional servers, we move as quickly as possible–and you would not like to be rushed eating your dinner, would you?

b) A long wait should indicate great food. If you walk into an empty restaurant on a Friday night: Diner beware! It may not be worth the immediate gratification of a seat.

c) At most restaurants, there is a bar that will serve you with little delay. Why not whet your pallet with an apertif while you wait? Even if you don’t drink alcohol, treat yourself to some juice, soda or lemonade. If you are spending the money to dine out, why not enjoy yourself and take your time?

2. Remember that your server is a human.

This may seem obvious, but you would be surprised. While I am not one of those servers who will sit herself at your table and chat about the weather, I am somewhat offended (personally) when I am forced to stand in front of a table for over five minutes waiting to be acknowledged. I understand that you want to enjoy each other’s company and conversation and I will do my best to make myself scarce, but it is necessary for us to take a minute to recognize each other in our social roles in order for things to proceed smoothly.

You don’t have to abruptly clam up if I approach your table, but try to find a stopping point, because I am only trying to do my job–which is to give you an enjoyable dining experience.

Acknowledging your server’s humanness does not require you inquire about his or her interests and background, it only means you greet them with a mutual respect (and things will be all the more friendly–if even subtly–I assure you).

3. Special ordering is okay–within reason.

Some times "your way right away" isn't the best way to eat food.

As a fellow foodie, I can appreciate the diner who knows what he wants. If you want your steak prepared in a specific way–if you are particular about how you like your cocktail–even if you can’t stand onions, speak up! There is no shame in voicing your likes and dislikes.

That said, chefs, cooks, kitchen folk, can be some serious divas. They have designed the menu and the food on it with much care and consideration. They toss the dressing with the salad because that’s how it tastes the best (if you want light dressing, ask for light dressing). They put cucumber relish on the tuna because the flavors complement one another so well.

Take a risk. Trust your well-informed, hard working chef. The adventurous diner is usually rewarded with exciting new oral sensations.

4. If you expect good service, you will get good service.

This little tidbit of advice can be applied lavishly to many different areas of your life. It’s psychology, Watson…elementary psychology, rather. If a diner communicates (with general presence, body language, intonations, specific requests) that she is a self-possessed restaurant attendee with high expectations for both service and food, I will do my best to rise to her occasion. Inversely, if you treat me like a slob, while I will continue to try, it will be difficult to give you the best service.

5. Don’t underestimate your server’s intelligence.

People have often criticized my pride. It is unattractive, I understand, and a precursor to much falling. However, I can’t help but withdraw with stinging indignation when treated like an idiot. Food service is just “as real” as a job as directing calls at a law firm. It requires a quick and fast mind. It demands physical stamina and wherewithal.

While I am not embarrassed by my job as a waitress, I am sometimes embarrassed by the manner in which some people speak to me. Waiting tables has no diminishing affect on my IQ. As long as you are communicating clearly, I will be able to understand your words (Yes, I have actually had people speak to me slowly and loudly, as if to a foreigner–and even then, it’s still terrifically rude).

6. If your food isn’t right, speak up!

I have never been angry with someone for telling me that their order was not prepared how they asked. You pay good money to dine out and you should expect to receive the food that you request. A good server will bend over backwards to make your dining experience all the better if you politely (strong emotions are not necessary here) point out the error.

You don’t have to apologize because your hamburger is too rare for you to stomach. That said, you also do not have to yell or bang a fist down onto the table. Wrongs will be made right–they should be!

7. Don’t hit on the waitress (or waiter)

In Of Human Bondage, when Philip hit on his waitress, Mildred, it got him nothing but a lot of trouble.

This one was my husband’s idea, but I agree. Just because she is payed to bring you a joyous culinary experience, just because he is (within the restaurant context), “at your service” does not mean that she or he must endure your cheesy leering or requests for a date.

Unless explicitly, with out question invited, do not ask your server what she is doing when she gets off.

And don’t misinterpret a smile as interest. The server makes his money with his charm just as much as he makes it with his fast feet and food knowledge.

8. Keep your children under control.

Unless you’re at Chucky Cheese, keep your children from running wildly through the restaurant. Instruct your kids on dining etiquette. If your children are too young, like for example, your infant is crying uncontrollably, for god’s sakes, remove the child from the public arena. Take the baby outside for some fresh air. Soothe it. Give the baby the full attention it needs–everyone will thank you–including other diners, your server, and the chef.

9. Become a “regular.”

Every restaurant has its locals. These locals get, perhaps, some of the best service. A good server will remember what a regular drinks as well as his or her food preferences. The regulars are acknowledged as the restaurant’s “bread and butter” and therefore garner much respect (hopefully).

10. Tip 20% for good service.

This summer a chilling rumor circulated service stations across America. Apparently one of the major news stations advised budgeted travellers to only tip ten percent, claiming that the meager tip was more than enough. Unless you live in an artist’s utopia like Portland, Oregon you are paid around two dollars an hour to wait tables. In North Carolina (my home state) servers are paid two thirteen and hour. That’s $2.13 AN HOUR.

A server’s salary is paid by the diner. As a diner, you must have enough money to pay for the food and the service. You should include it in the price of the meal when deciding where to dine. Servers remember cheapskates and point them out to others. You should tip between eighteen and twenty percent for good service, period.

Please, if you can think of any other tips, send them my way! I’d love to have more!